Can't Sleep

      I can't sleep. But I bet you already guessed that. I finished a paper I had to write for class around 12. Then I got ready to go to sleep and got into bed. All of a sudden I was hit with a wave of anxiety. I really can't believe that my grandma is dead and that people are greedy.

    Today was going okay. I woke up at around 10, played some Minecraft(my most recent addiction), went to lunch, played some more Minecraft(I really was not kidding) and I don't remember what else. Then I went to dinner (I'm at school so I go to the cafeteria, I don't go out to eat all the time). Next I read for class, watched Once Upon a time and wrote my paper. It was a weekend day. Then I go to bed and I break down. Doesn't really make sense to me.

   I prayed to God to take the anxiety away and to send me an angel. I do believe in angels and I do believe that God will send them for protection. I asked God to protect me from everything that was going on. When I'm by myself I just constantly think about how she was fine, just a few months ago.

       I've also been trying to work down my feelings of paranoia. Mainly the thought that people are out for themselves completely. To the point that hurting someone else, even family, is acceptable as long as they achieve their goal. While my grandma was sick, relatives seemed to come out of the wood work, some who I have never met before. And I was hit with the feeling that they were not only there to see my grandma. They constantly made me feel like an outsider and treated my dad like he didn't belong as well, (even though he was her only son).

       I told myself over and over again that I as wrong. That people are good and that they genuinely cared about me and my family. After the funeral I found out I wasn't wrong and my family tree (in my eyes) got a whole lot smaller.

       The part that makes me sick was that my dad's aunt held his hand at the grave site. This is while she knows how much her and her brother's were going to hurt him.  Knowing that they were lying and deceiving. How cold can someone be to do that. I remembered thinking at the grave site (when I saw my aunt holding my dad's hand) that my dad has more family. That we were going to be closer with them. That at least one good thing happened out of all the bad. That there were more people that truly cared about my family. Those thoughts and feelings are going to haunt me for a long time.