Stresssssss

   So right now, I am being very lazy and am just using the compose tab instead of the html tab. I like using the html tab though because I have a lot more control. Anyway, I'm really stressed right now.
    With everything going on its just hard. I'm trying to concentrate and stay on top of my homework at school but its not easy. I had a quiz today that I totally bombed because I did something really dumb. I read the first forty pages of the wrong book. I am just trying to tell myself that its ok cause I cant change it now.
     The thing causing the most amount of stress for me right now is everything happening at home. I had another dream with my grandma in it last night. This was after I cried myself to sleep. It was weird. We were at a hotel with my brother Johnny. My grandma started to leave me. I told her to wait I just had to finish packing some stuff but she didn't. She just left.
     I started to try something last night. Every time I feel really hurt or I think very poorly of someone (justifiable or not), I say a pray for them. Something I really have a hard time doing is taking the focus off of me/what is happening around me and putting it on God. I know that He will always and forever be there for me. Even if others are not.
    With classes and with all the stuff happening at home, I just don't feel like doing anything outside of class. My room right now is a disaster zone and I have to catch up on a lot of homework. I keep telling myself to keep on going but I don't know how long that is going to last.

P.S. Random Question, I realized that the time stamp on my blog is not the time in my time zone. Is there a way to change that. Or is it stuck forever. Currently it is 2:22 pm.

Can't Sleep

      I can't sleep. But I bet you already guessed that. I finished a paper I had to write for class around 12. Then I got ready to go to sleep and got into bed. All of a sudden I was hit with a wave of anxiety. I really can't believe that my grandma is dead and that people are greedy.

    Today was going okay. I woke up at around 10, played some Minecraft(my most recent addiction), went to lunch, played some more Minecraft(I really was not kidding) and I don't remember what else. Then I went to dinner (I'm at school so I go to the cafeteria, I don't go out to eat all the time). Next I read for class, watched Once Upon a time and wrote my paper. It was a weekend day. Then I go to bed and I break down. Doesn't really make sense to me.

   I prayed to God to take the anxiety away and to send me an angel. I do believe in angels and I do believe that God will send them for protection. I asked God to protect me from everything that was going on. When I'm by myself I just constantly think about how she was fine, just a few months ago.

       I've also been trying to work down my feelings of paranoia. Mainly the thought that people are out for themselves completely. To the point that hurting someone else, even family, is acceptable as long as they achieve their goal. While my grandma was sick, relatives seemed to come out of the wood work, some who I have never met before. And I was hit with the feeling that they were not only there to see my grandma. They constantly made me feel like an outsider and treated my dad like he didn't belong as well, (even though he was her only son).

       I told myself over and over again that I as wrong. That people are good and that they genuinely cared about me and my family. After the funeral I found out I wasn't wrong and my family tree (in my eyes) got a whole lot smaller.

       The part that makes me sick was that my dad's aunt held his hand at the grave site. This is while she knows how much her and her brother's were going to hurt him.  Knowing that they were lying and deceiving. How cold can someone be to do that. I remembered thinking at the grave site (when I saw my aunt holding my dad's hand) that my dad has more family. That we were going to be closer with them. That at least one good thing happened out of all the bad. That there were more people that truly cared about my family. Those thoughts and feelings are going to haunt me for a long time.

Day of Distraction.....Begin.....

So I had another dream last night. It involved a lot of yelling and again I hope that soon the people involved will be forever out of my life.

I was going to be productive today and maybe get some work done but with my sour awakening I decided today would be a good day to play non-stop video games. They had very little to my actual life but have always been a good stabilizer for my mind.

The games I have for today are....(XBOX 360)

• Minecraft
• Batman: Arkham City
• Dragon Age : Origins
• Fall Out: New Vegas
• Assassins Creed I or II
• Oblivion
• La Noire
• Final Fantasy XIII
• Gears of war
• Castlevania
• Fable II or III
• Bioshock

The most recent game I have been playing is Minecraft and I am in the process of building a scavenger hunt maze with traps in it. I am looking forward to the Xbox Minecraft update.

I also might read......

• Pride and Prejudice
• a book on the Toltec, (Can't think of the title right no)
• Gladiators
• Old Testament Bible passages
  • Joseph
  • Ruth
  • Ester
  • Joshua
• Sherlock Holmes
• Fifty Shades Freed

I have been reading Fifty Shades Freed and I'm kinda bummed because I was trying to find where I left off and I read something that was past where I was at.

Later today I will post what I actually did and just a review of everything from how I'm feeling to how much I liked the games and books.

Grandma C. and Dreams

So my grandma passed away in the beginning of September and I have had a really hard time processing everything. Its hard to think that she will be gone forever and then a lot of ................ stuff happened after she died.

To give you a sneak peak into the situation, there are two wills that are just hanging around. Of course I think that one will has precedence over the other will. Since the second will basically says that my grandma didn't really care about her only son and that she cared more for her siblings(Can you guess who drafted the second will yet?) who rarely saw her over her own grandchildren. This is a real question, "How many wills out there move belongings laterally instead of down the family tree? So that the ring you got from your Husband would go to a great-niece, who is not at all related to your husband and probably never knew him, instead of one of your grand-daughters." Lots more drama is mixed in but I'll try not to rant too much.

OK, so the title of this post is called Grandma C. and Dreams. The reason is that every night I have been having dreams that won't stop. Everything following is from those dreams unless it is marked by ( ).

The theme in the dreams is that these other people(2 of the 3 are basically strangers to me) keep telling me that my grandma didn't love me. In fact in the dreams they are telling me she hated me. That she didn't want me to have anything that belonged to her. In many of the dreams I am kicked out of my grandma's house, told that I don't belong there.

When I do go in the house, everything that was important to my grandma has been sold or thrown away, because these strangers don't really care about the things she cared about. Every time they are telling me that there is no reason that I should receive anything from my grandma. (It really hurts because the one person I thought I knew and I thought had a heart that cared about me apparently does not)

In my dreams I see my grandma and she comes to take me away from them and everything that is going on but I can't get to her and can't hear her. As the dreamer I know she is telling me that they are lying, but as the person in the dream I can't understand what she is saying.

These dreams really unnerve me. People keep telling to just focus on the good times I spent with my grandma. I try, I really do but everything that is going on is making me feel so up and down. My up reaches as high as being able to focus on school but my down is really really low. Where I get physically sick.

Pointless

So I was forced to start this blog in a class in high school and it has been a couple of years since them, I am at the start of my junior year of college. Since then I have only made like five posts. Although I would like to use the blog more but I don't really know what to write about.
I am a computer science major. I might have to stay an extra year at school because I just decided my major last year. I love all my classes although I don't like getting up for them. I have two jobs. One is a work study job where I tutor children between pre-k and eighth grade. At the other I work up at the school's cafeteria. Both are relatively easy just takes a lot of energy some times. Since I just started my second job last week it will be interesting to see how it will balance with school. On Tuesdays and Thursdays I don't have any classes so I go straight from working at one job to the other. But I have a lot of loans to pay off and no money right now. I don't even know what I want to do after I graduate.
School work isn't hard for me but what is hard is getting motivated. Sometimes I am so afraid that i am just going to screw up that I don't try anything. I always feel that people will look down on me and that they always want someone else. That nothing I do will be good enough. This feeling goes into more than just school but school is the main part of my life right now.
Other than school and work I hang out with friends and go to Bible studies(this is a christian campus). On weekends I work and watch an over abundance of movies or I read. I love movies and books. Especially ones with romance in them, but not so much romantic comedies. The movie pool has been overloaded with them and there are only so many that I can watch. Right now my favorite TV show is TrueBlood, although I like the books better. There is so much more information that is given to you straight in a book that is hard to deduce from a movie.

Well thats it for today,
B

Doll House

Its a show that was cancelled in 2009 but it is really good. I just discovered it on Netflix. The show is about people who cant handle their pain so they sign their bodies over to a corporation for five years. The corp. then wipes their minds and fills them with other personalities to live out the fantasies of others. One of their "actives", what they call the dolls, is evolving and causing rifts in the house. Its a must see.

End of the Year

The end of this school year is coming up, I only have two days of classes left and four days of finals. Its nice but its also nerve wracking because that means I am going to be a junior next year and I just decided my major this year. The way classes are set up cause me not to know if I am going to graduate on time or not. I don't have difficulties with my classes or anything, in fact I do well in them but I just don't really know what to do. I really don't want to grow up but soon I don't think I will have a choice.
I don't want to be a college student forever but I also don't want to go into the world and get tied down right away. With collage expenses (loans, loans and more loans), there is no way that I can do anything other than get a job and pay them back. Then by the time I get out of that tie, I will probably have another one....marriage. Not that it is a bad thing but it definitely ties you down and then maybe kids and then there is no choice, all freedom is taken away. I don't want to be stuck, I want to see every part of the world that I can. America is only the land of dreams but that is all it comes too. Dreams.
I'm afraid that I am going to be forever stuck doing what every one else does and not really living. Whats the point of spending your life working. Why did I go to college, isn't it really just a trap of a pattern of what people say life is supposed to be and is there really any hope of escaping it.